Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
There was a lot of him and a little penis
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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