Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
