if only i could text you this smell
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
