but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
