If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
