i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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