The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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