his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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