Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
