I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
