take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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