dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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