the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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