hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
