my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
