I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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