It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
