Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
