what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
