farters have to be the big spoon...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
