I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
