can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
