How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
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