If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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