So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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