i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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