mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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