ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i've created a new STD.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
