she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Randomize
