Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
