I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
we made out on top of his cat.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
