my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
