When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
