last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
it hurts more in the daytime
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
