Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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