This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize