You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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