Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I need a beard to bite.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
