I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
