At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
