my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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