and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
it glows. i had to have it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
