What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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