i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
