We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
