I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
