wrigley field is MILF paradise
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
