you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
