So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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