Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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