Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
