everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
