I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
