I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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