I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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