I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
