i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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